What we know for sure

Sadly, Katya did not benefit from adequate parenting during her early years. Her foundation for healthy development was non-existent, making it difficult if not impossible for her to form loving, lasting, intimate relationships. This condition, known as attachment disorder, was triggered by abuse, neglect, abandonment, separation from birth parents and frequent moves from grandparents homes to several orphanages. Children with attachment disorder are less responsive to direction, less eager to please and more aggressive. These children are at increased risk for serious psychological problems in adolescence and adulthood. Fred and I are praying that proper diagnosis and treatment will help change Katya's life.

To explain further, attachment disorder is developed when children do not form a trusting bond in infancy and early childhood. A lack of trust generates feelings of aloneness, being different, pervasive anger and an inordinate need for control. Pervasive anger and the need for control are Katya's two biggest behavioral issues. A trusting bond is essential in continued personality and conscience development and serves as the foundation for future intimate relationships.

Dr. Terry Levy wrote in his book, Attachment, Trauma, and Healing: "Most professionals who work with and study the process of bonding and attachment agree that a child's first eighteen to thirty-six months are critical. It is during this period that the infant is exposed in a healthy situation to love, nurturing, and life-sustaining care. The child learns that if she has a need, someone will gratify that need, and the gratification leads to the development of her trust in others."

Fred and I may never know the full extent of what Katya suffered through in Russia, but we do know that we will do everything in our power to try to make the rest of her life happy, secure and full of joy.

Memories of Memorial Day Weekend

Fred and I trudged through Memorial Day weekend with long faces and heavy hearts. We were thrilled we were able to visit Katya but it was hard leaving the facility without her. We tried to stay as busy as possible so our quiet and very neat house wasn't so noticeable! On Saturday, Fred cut up one of his old Datsun 240's with a Sawzall and took the unwanted pieces to the dump. I worked on a scrapbook at a friend's house while Fred was sawing away! We enjoyed a nice dinner with my friend Vicki on Saturday night. Sunday was a wonderful day thanks to our friends the Heaths. Skip and Sue's son Tyler just returned from his second tour in Iraq, and as a Harley-Davidson owner, one of his dreams was to participate in Rolling Thunder, a motorcycle ride in Washington, DC. Rolling Thunder's purpose is to publicize POW-MIA issues and to educate the public on the American prisoners of war who were left behind. They are also committed to helping American veterans from all wars. We watched the Northern Virginia contingent of motorcycles leave Fairfax and ride to Washington, DC. It was a spectacular site and exciting to watch thousands of motorcycles ride together paying tribute to the heroes of America. Tyler and my Steven grew up together, first meeting as Webelo Scouts in 5th grade. After watching the motorcycles, the Heaths had us back to their home for a delicious brunch. We returned to their house that evening for a cookout on their beautiful deck. It was a wonderful day spent with dear friends and an American hero! Tyler will be discharged from the Army next month and is moving to Colorado to pursue his education. It was a good day.

Monday was movie day, but both movies we saw were so-so. Made of Honor was a disappointment and the new Indiana Jones movie was so violent I had my eyes covered through half of the movie. Would someone out there PLEASE make a decent movie!!

We visited Katya this morning

We had an early morning visit with Katya today. She seemed glad to see us...until we whipped out our new house rules. (Lesia, the director, had us email our house rules in advance.) Katya had to read them to us and repeat the rules several times. Lesia said Katya will have them memorized and will recite all seven to us on our next visit. After those are memorized, we will work on Katya's specific rules. The purpose of the rules are many, but the bottom line is that Fred and I are in control of EVERYTHING. I will have to write a schedule for the summer and we will follow it to the letter. Every minute of the day will be scheduled.

The entire time we were reviewing the rules Katya's brows were furrowed and she said "but....." many times, however we squelched the "buts" quickly. The idea that she will have no free will is hard for her to accept. "You are not the boss of me" mentality will be difficult to break, but we will be successful. Lesia is hoping Katya will have some type of meltdown soon so she can see how unglued Katya becomes and help her find ways of coping with sadness, anger and disappointment. Lesia wants the honeymoon period to be over. The sooner it is over, the sooner she can help Katya deal with her anger. Katya sees Dr. Federici on Thursday, so we will have more information at that time.

A week has gone by...

For the last week, Fred and I have been walking around in a daze, not knowing what to do with ourselves. We went from 100 miles an hour to a complete stop. School, soccer practices, soccer games, tutor sessions to nothing. We have been trying to hold each other up, to nurture one another and be encouraging. We think of Katya every second, wondering what she is going through, what she is doing and how she is feeling. We did hear from the center director, and she said she was “fine.” I hate that word. It really doesn’t mean anything. She said that Katya misses us, so that is encouraging!

Dr. Federici will be meeting with Katya next week to determine her state of mind and to give us an idea of how long he feels she should stay at the center. I want Katya to stay long enough to learn basic issues such as respecting authority, parent/child relationships, etc., but I don’t want her to stay so long that she feels completely abandoned. Her stay there must be effective or we will have wasted weeks of healing and thousands of dollars. As soon as Katya earns enough points, she will be allowed to call home, and needless to say, we are very anxious to hear from her.

For those of you who have reached out to us, THANK YOU! We appreciate all your encouraging words and prayers. Fred and I definitely feel the love from our village! As promised, I will keep you posted on Katya’s progress.

A Turning Point

We have had what may seem like a major setback but it could also be looked at as a turning point as well.

Since bringing Katya home eight months ago, she has struggled with authority, respecting her elders and generally obeying Fred and me. She tried to live under the general rule of I AM THE BOSS OF ME! She balked at the idea of homework lasting more than 15 minutes and accepting the fact that academics superseded play. In many ways Katya is a four-year-old trapped in a 12-year-old body. Katya built a brick wall around her soul and spirit that we were finding hard to penetrate. She commented soon after arriving in America that she had no idea there would be so many rules! Even though the orphanage had a structure and schedule, the orphans formed their own governing society and ruled by intimidation, manipulation, threats and physical violence. Think Lord of the Flies. Fred and I thought that over time she would settle down and conform to family life and hierarchy and accept the fact that we are in fact the boss of her! The fact remains that Katya is struggling to find a new identity after 12 years of being abandoned in an orphanage. For 12 years she had no sense of the outside world and no perception of her future; she was living for the moment. Day-to-day survival became her way of life. She trusted no one, and still hasn’t learned that she can trust Fred and me.

It became apparent last month that we needed help. Katya’s threats and physical violence were escalating and we felt she was a danger to herself and to me. After consulting Dr. Federici and her pediatrician it was decided to place her in a facility that serves as a respite home and a place where Katya can learn to live in a very structured and rigid environment ruled by adults. Of course Fred and I attempted this at home but Katya would have none of it! This home is ruled with an iron fist and it will hopefully help Katya understand the parent-child/adult-child relationship and the importance and acceptance of living under the umbrella of authority and respect. Our concern was that Katya would once again feel abandoned, but Katya was told she was in this home for two reasons. The first reason was that her parents loved her very much. Second, that she needs to learn the source of her angry feelings and learn to control her angry feelings without hitting. She seemed to understand this and resign herself to the fact she needed help that was beyond the reach of her parents.

Once Dr. Federici feels the staff has made progress in breaking down her wall and will, he will begin an intensive course of 10 hours of therapy a week. We have no idea how long it will take to undo 12 years of living in an institution and years of neglect and abandonment. WE WILL NOT GIVE UP ON THIS CHILD. There is no such thing as a hopeless child. We will do whatever it takes for Katya to feel loved, accepted and a part of her family again.

We will keep you updated and would appreciate your prayers at this time.

The newest member of Katya's village

Fred and I had our first visit this morning with Dr. Federici, one of the world's leading experts on post-institutionalized children. We are in search of ways to help Katya navigate her way through this thing we call life! Dr. Federici is a no-nonsense man, tell it like it is and move forward! I think he will be a great help to us and Katya. Any child who has lived in an orphanage is suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome, among other things. Institutionalized children also have attachment disorders so there is much to tackle and learn. You can see Dr. Federici on Youtube when you enter his name in the search box on Youtube. He has also written a book on adoption that I ordered today so with all these tools we feel equipped and ready to go!

Hope is fading...

Each year, 15-20,000 orphans "graduate" from Russian orphanages. These "emancipated" orphans have few skills to cope with life outside an institution. More than half fall into lives of crime, prostitution, and drugs or join the more than 1 million homeless teenagers living on the street. Ten percent commit suicide. A wonderful organization, MiraMed, exists to help these children cope by teaching basic independent living and life skills to live a successful life. The first Center opened in the fall of 2000 with 4 students in Moscow. MiraMed has Centers in Moscow, Uglich and St. Petersburg and sister programs in Ryazan and Perm serving almost 1200 children and young adults. The two-year program is taught by Russian psychologists and social workers and includes curriculum-based education as well as visits, excursions and practical "real life work". Included in the program is a strong focus on health, safety and legal rights.
Also a focus of MiraMed is their anti-trafficking program that protects Russian girls and young women from being trafficked overseas. MiraMed founded the Angel Coalition, the first and now the largest, most successful anti-trafficking coalition in Russia whose members provide public education and training and support for the rescue, return and rehabilitation of trafficking survivors. Why do I tell you all this?

A few days ago, MiraMed’s headquarters in Moscow was stormed by Russian police, who seized control of the building, arrested the managers and ordered their staff to leave the premises. With help from their friends from the city government, MiraMed staff members were allowed back into the building but all internet, telephones and power are cut off. The building has been declared a fire hazard and remains in the control of armed police.

Russia's new president, Dmitry Medvedev will take office in two days and Putin will become Prime Minister. Under Putin, the press and opposition have been muzzled, but Medvedev is reputed to be a liberal and some are predicting that his term will see more freedoms and less anti-western rhetoric. Medvedev said in a recent news conference when questioned about Putin's role in his presidency, "The president governs Russia." Putin, meanwhile, said at a February news conference that "the highest executive power in the country is the Russian government, headed by the prime minister."

I was so hopeful when the former Soviet Union collapsed. My hope has faded. The Russia people are losing what freedom they have left and the old regime has returned.

No truer words have ever been spoken than: It Takes a Village to Raise a Child

Our success with the transition and adjustment of bringing Katya home is truly because of the "village" that surrounds us. Our friends and neighbors have been extremely helpful and supportive. They have also been very understanding. But I do have to single out a "villager" and she is my daughter Katie. She has given us a break when WE have been at the breaking point. Katie has shown patience and acceptance beyond her years. She has embraced and loved Katya exemplifying what sisterly love is all about. Before Katya became a part of our family I was always a bit sad that Katie didn't have a sister because I know first hand how a sister enriches ones life. I hoped that Katie and Katya would grow close but their relationship has surpassed my expectations! Thank you Katie for welcoming Katya into the family with unconditional love. I can only hope that you continue to be a blessing to each other the way that my sister continues to bless my life.